Plans

I used to have lots of plans. Years ago, when I was in Middle School, I had big plans for myself. I was going to write an epic series of novels with the help of one of my friends. The novels would be so great that they would all be made into movies, like a lot of Stephen King novels have been.

I realize now that it was a naive, childish plan that probably could never happen. Sure enough, it never did happen. Me and my friend forgot about it and it's been forgotten ever since. That's what happens to a lot of plans. I really don't care anymore.

My parents have plans too. First of all, when it came to school it was my mom's plan to have me go when I could and not go when I could not. On the other hand, it was my dad's plan that I didn't go to school at all until my treatments were all done. In the end we went with my mom's plan.

I got really sick of my parents arguing about what to do. I did not have a plan at all and I just wanted them to make a good plan for me that they could agree on. Now my parents are doing better about arguing about their plans for me. They still do it sometimes though.

I don't even know what other plans they might have for me. I don't really care right now either. I am the one in control of my life so their plans, whatever they may be, will only work if I like them.

Currently I have no real plans. I'm still uncertain about everything. I'm starting to wonder if what I said in earlier blogs was overly-optimistic. I mean the Ativan drug I take that used to make me feel good just doesn't do that anymore. It just makes me fatigued and a little sick to my stomach now. Going back to school was no different than it ever was. I'm getting the feeling that once this is over everything will be the same for me again. The only reason I have ever said otherwise is because I took Antivan. That's what was in my system when I wrote most of the other blogs. Now it just makes me sick.

Either way I have no plans for my future now. I'm just going with the flow of school and treatment and whatever my parents say. This isn't over yet though. I suppose something great could still happen before I go completely back to normal. Maybe Ativan not working anymore is God telling me that some drug isn't the answer to all my problems but rather it is something more complicated, something deeper. I'm just worried that all of my thoughts about this cancer saving me from myself are going to end just like my plans in Middle School; in the darkness of lost time.

Standing My Ground

First of all, I read all of your comments to my last entry and I really liked them. In fact, they are all very relevant to my current situation.

As you may know my last major treatment, my last VAC, was just last Friday. Since then I believe I have passed a turning point in this experience. It happened when I was having a conversation with my deeply religious Uncle Michael. Michael is a long-bearded, blat-hat wearing orthodox Jew who teaches Judaism in New York. The point is this guy knows his stuff when it comes to God and religion. Anyhow, when I was talking to him on the phone one day he said something that made something in my head click. He said that God never gives us tests that we can't pass.

This statement from him is very important to me because it makes a lot of sense to me. All of my life I've had many experiences, some good, some bad, but never have I ever experienced anything that I just couldn't take.

So you can see why something in my head went 'click' after he said that. All my life God has tested me but never has he given me a test I couldn't pass. After hearing these words of wisdom from Michael God started to make sense to me. And because God made sense to me I was able to believe in him more strongly, after all, we all have an easier time believing stuff that makes sense to us.

Basically, Uncle Michael rejuvenated my faith in God that day and now I no longer have doubt that God has a plan for me. He does have a plan for me and that plan would have been impossible had I not gotten cancer.

Why? To understand that you must all understand what I was like before this whole thing started for me. Physically, I was obviously fine, but mentally, emotionally and socially I could have been considered as sick then as I am physically now. This is because I have a form of autism called Asperger's syndrome. It is an autism that affects high mental functions. I don't know all about it. I just know that this syndrome is the reason I was how I was. I was quite, reserved, very into my own thoughts and not interested in other people. I was always afraid to reveal my personality to anyone because I had some paranoid delusion that everyone would hate me if they knew who I truly was on the inside. So I kept all of that hidden from people, save some special occasions.

This special occasions I'm referring to are times when I was forced to speak in front of the class at school. At those times the adrenaline in me would be pumping and I guess because of that my personality was able to come out when I spoke. And people liked it. There was no resentment or hatred or anything negative. Just appreciation and occasional laughter at the humor that came out when I spoke. These experiences should have proven to me that I have a great, likable personality inside me that everyone would just love to see. But because of the state of my mind I was simply incapable of learning this and as soon as I was done speaking I would gradually go back to my normal, secluded self.

Because of my social-emotional problems I didn't have high hopes for my future back then. I was sure that my life was going nowhere. I was going to be too afraid to go to college and get a life. I just wouldn't be able to handle myself as a man in the real world. So, in my lower moods, I always figured that I would just kill myself at around the end of high school since I knew there was no way I could possibly live my life beyond that. In my higher moods I was simply apathetic about the future.

I needed a miracle to save me from myself. I got one. The process of treating this cancer is going to save my life in more than one way. Not only will it save me from the cancer itself but the experience of it all is going to save me from myself. After this is over I'll have more faith in God, more faith in myself and I'll have the drugs and therapy to help me overcome my Asperger's. As I mentioned earlier, one of the anti-nausea medications I'm receiving improves me both physically and mentally. It seems to temporarily sweep my Asperger's aside and let me unleash my true personality. This particular drug my not be the one that does the job but I'm sure that something similar to it may help me. My dad is already on the case of finding that similar drug. He's set me up to see a psychiatrist latter to check me out and see what I need. What should be noted about all this is that none of it would have happened had I not gotten cancer and that is why this experience is going to save me from myself.

But back to what I was saying about what Uncle Michael told me(a long way back, I know), what he said made me feel better about this whole thing. But he isn't the only one I have to thank for making this experience better for me. My doctor, Dr. Walterhouse, made Friday's treatment a lot easier for me by giving me a double douse of the drug that improves me physically and mentally. Because of his excellent decision I didn't vomit once while I was at the hospital and actually slept there for quite a while. Finally, I have to give Tom Petty credit for making me feel better. His famous Won't Back Down song was what I listened to on my brother's PSP as the nurses at the hospital injected my with the drugs that would make me sick. That song was a real moral booster for me and since then I have vowed not to quite this treatment and stand my ground. I promise you all that with God, my family, my friends and Tom Petty's song at my side I won't back down but I'll stand my ground until this is over.