My Light and Dark Sides

For the record, I'm a major Star Wars fan, hence the title of this entry. I probably know more about Star Wars than anyone I know. Some of the Star Wars canon is filled with great, epic stories of war, heroism, damnation, redemption, slaughter and justice. Other parts, such as the recent CGI movie that just came out, are just eye candy for kids ten and under.

But enough about Star Wars. I could go on forever about it! What I really want to talk about is me. You see, today I just received my first radiation treatment at Lutheran General Hospital. As they said it was painless and I did not feel any immediate side effects. Unfortunately, I have twenty-two more of these treatments to go and I will be taking them every day five days a week until they're done!

But that's not what's important. What's important is the battle between my light and dark sides within me.

First of all, I should tell you that the previous blog I wrote, called "plans" was just a bunch of crap that I wrote when I was in a shitty mood. That was my dark side talking, the side that says this experience isn't going to change me at all and that no matter what happens I'm still killing myself after high school.

My light side on the other hand says that this experience was a gift from God that will ultimately make me a much better person than I was before. My dark side will tell you that's just me on my happy drug Ativan and that I will never be like that again because Ativan makes me sick.

Not Anymore!

I just took Ativan by mouth today and instead of making me sick it made me happy! It allowed the light side of me to be unleashed and gave me the motivation I needed to write a decent blog instead of the nihilistic bullshit I wrote last time. (Sorry for swearing)

To make the battle between my light and dark sides even more interesting is my introduction to a new anti-anxiety drug called Klonopin. This drug is in the same family as Ativan and has similar effects on me.

However, unlike Ativan, Klonopin unleashes my dark side in a way. It reduces my guilt and makes me feel freer to speak negative thoughts about my self and life.

I believe now I am at a crossroads in my life. I have identified several different sides of myself. The ultimate question of course is which one shall be the only one, for there can only be one.

I'm not sure where things are going to go from here but I do believe a big change is coming for me. For now we can only wait and see what the future holds for me. But ultimately, like in Star Wars, I think I will have to chose between the light side and the dark side in the end. Will I make the right choice?