God's Plans for Me(Maybe?)

Many people credit me with the ability to endure hard situations such as the one I am currently in. They say I'm always pragmatic and calm about it and am good at taking long, hard processes one step at a time.

This was true for me when this whole cancer mess began for me. I was calm about it and was able to take it one step at a time. First the removal of the tumor that started it all, then the revelation that the tumor was cancerous and malignant, then the surgery to remove the possibly infected lymph nodes, and finally the beginning of my chemotherapy treatments. I took all these things calmly as they came and went and did not dwell on anything more than getting past my most current hurtle.

Things began to change with the onset of chemotherapy. First of all, I greatly underestimated the severity of the side effects the first time I went in. For my first treatment of three drugs I was very complacent, assuming that the standard issue anti-nausea drugs would make the experience a piece of cake. They didn't and I suffered a lot more than I thought I ever would.

After experiencing the true debilitating power of chemotherapy for the first time my moral was greatly shaken. I had to go through three more of those awful treatments! This was hard to stomach. When I heard that I'd be getting a new drug for nausea for my second treatment at the hospital my confidence was partially revived. But when the second treatment turned out to be little better than the first I was shaken. The harsh week of recovery afterward only made it worse. Fatigue, nausea, heartburn and constipation plagued me for days after I left the hospital.

It was during these harsh days that my calm, pragmatic spirit finally broke. I thought, "This is ridiculous! All of this suffering! It's endless for me! I should have just killed myself the day the doctors first saw my tumor! Nothing has been worth it at all! All of this just to save a failure of a human being who, according to natural selection, should have died several times over! WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF GOING THROUGH THIS ANYMORE!?! Once this is over it's just gonna be back to school and work and all that miserable crap. Hell, I'll be wishing I was sick again by the time I'm half-way through the shit-load of work I'm gonna have to do senior year. I should just kill myself and end my miserable life RIGHT NOW!!!"

Well, maybe all that wasn't in one train of thought but during that first week after my second treatment all of those lines of thought crossed my mind many times. So what did I do? I realized that I was never gonna kill myself or anything crazy like that and instead I plead to God himself. I begged him to relieve my suffering and as I did so tears came to my eyes, proving to me that I was making a genuine connection to God.

Did God answer my plea? Did he relieve me of my pain. Sort of. The heart-burn did finally go away and I found out what caused it; refried beans. While filling and thick, seemingly good for a stomach with nausea problems, they are also hard to digest, which means a weak stomach will produce more than enough acid to cause heartburn when one eats them. The constipation also went away as well. I just drank some Milk of Magnesia, a potent laxative, and my constipation problem was quickly settled.

But the day after my constipation went away I got a stomach ache. I'm still not sure what caused it. I've suspected either it was my weekly Vincristine dose or something I ate that my stomach just wasn't ready for. Anyhow, the pain made me induce vomiting twice, each time giving me all too temporary relief and the second time burning my throat with stomach acid. I went to bed hoping to sleep off the burn and the stomach pain. I woke up with the burn gone and the stomach pain still there. I was furious! I had had enough of this crap already. My restored faith in God and His love was terribly shaken and I once again to think to myself those previously stated suicidal lines of thought.

Finally, after way too long, I took an Antivan, the "happy drug" I've mentioned in previous posts and calmed down. While I was in my precious state of mental tranquility I began to think more about God and what he was thinking as he gave me/allowed me to receive both pain and relief here and there. I began to wonder what His plan for me was. As I thought I realized something; this ailment I have had has been the perfect ailment for me. It has not caused me any great, mind-blowing physiological problems that I could never handle and yet it has not been easy enough for me to consider easy to endure. It's almost as thought God has been testing me and my ability to stay calm about things when I'm sick because getting through this required that ability more than anything else. Is this God testing my will, seeing how far I can go before I just snap. Or is it God trying to bring me closer to him by making me realize that my own will the endurance are not enough to get me through life and I need to keep Him close to me during all times of trouble? I can only guess what God is thinking. I am far too humble to say that I have the ability to understand the thoughts and plans of God, the creator and ruler of the universe. All I can do is try to understand God's messages to me if and when they come and try to do what God wants me to do. For now, I'm going to just stay close to God, believe in him, do my best to destroy all doubt in my mind and sincerely thank him for any relief from suffering I get. And when I do plea for God's help I hope He answers my plea with relief because I know now that I am reaching my breaking point. God don't let me break. Please.

Where I'm Going

Where am I going now? Let's see, first of all I think I'm going bald. My hair has become very loose on my head and can easily be pulled out. It won't be long now until it falls out on its own I imagine. So far it's only falling out on my head but that may change.

I also know that I'm going to be sick for a week starting this Friday because that's when I receive my next major treatment at the hospital and if it affects me as it did last time I'm going to be sick for a week after. The people at the hospital say that they're going to be giving me some new anti-nausea drugs this time along with some old ones that sort of worked. This may mean I won't get too sick but I'm not going to get my hopes up only to be disappointed so I'll be expecting to get sick when I go in...that is unless I take one of those drugs that makes me happy before I go in, then I won't worry about it at all! Maybe I should do that.

Finally, I know that under normal circumstances I would be going back to school in the fall. But because I'm getting radiation therapy every day for four and a half weeks in the fall I'm not so sure I'm going back. The radiation therapy will not only mean I'll have to take a long ride from where I live to the hospital and back but it may also get me sick. Not to mention, I will still be getting chemotherapy when the school year starts and even though I'll have no more "nasty C" to deal with at that time I'm still not sure if I'll be up to going to school. Only time will tell.