Many people credit me with the ability to endure hard situations such as the one I am currently in. They say I'm always pragmatic and calm about it and am good at taking long, hard processes one step at a time.
This was true for me when this whole cancer mess began for me. I was calm about it and was able to take it one step at a time. First the removal of the tumor that started it all, then the revelation that the tumor was cancerous and malignant, then the surgery to remove the possibly infected lymph nodes, and finally the beginning of my chemotherapy treatments. I took all these things calmly as they came and went and did not dwell on anything more than getting past my most current hurtle.
Things began to change with the onset of chemotherapy. First of all, I greatly underestimated the severity of the side effects the first time I went in. For my first treatment of three drugs I was very complacent, assuming that the standard issue anti-nausea drugs would make the experience a piece of cake. They didn't and I suffered a lot more than I thought I ever would.
After experiencing the true debilitating power of chemotherapy for the first time my moral was greatly shaken. I had to go through three more of those awful treatments! This was hard to stomach. When I heard that I'd be getting a new drug for nausea for my second treatment at the hospital my confidence was partially revived. But when the second treatment turned out to be little better than the first I was shaken. The harsh week of recovery afterward only made it worse. Fatigue, nausea, heartburn and constipation plagued me for days after I left the hospital.
It was during these harsh days that my calm, pragmatic spirit finally broke. I thought, "This is ridiculous! All of this suffering! It's endless for me! I should have just killed myself the day the doctors first saw my tumor! Nothing has been worth it at all! All of this just to save a failure of a human being who, according to natural selection, should have died several times over! WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF GOING THROUGH THIS ANYMORE!?! Once this is over it's just gonna be back to school and work and all that miserable crap. Hell, I'll be wishing I was sick again by the time I'm half-way through the shit-load of work I'm gonna have to do senior year. I should just kill myself and end my miserable life RIGHT NOW!!!"
Well, maybe all that wasn't in one train of thought but during that first week after my second treatment all of those lines of thought crossed my mind many times. So what did I do? I realized that I was never gonna kill myself or anything crazy like that and instead I plead to God himself. I begged him to relieve my suffering and as I did so tears came to my eyes, proving to me that I was making a genuine connection to God.
Did God answer my plea? Did he relieve me of my pain. Sort of. The heart-burn did finally go away and I found out what caused it; refried beans. While filling and thick, seemingly good for a stomach with nausea problems, they are also hard to digest, which means a weak stomach will produce more than enough acid to cause heartburn when one eats them. The constipation also went away as well. I just drank some Milk of Magnesia, a potent laxative, and my constipation problem was quickly settled.
But the day after my constipation went away I got a stomach ache. I'm still not sure what caused it. I've suspected either it was my weekly Vincristine dose or something I ate that my stomach just wasn't ready for. Anyhow, the pain made me induce vomiting twice, each time giving me all too temporary relief and the second time burning my throat with stomach acid. I went to bed hoping to sleep off the burn and the stomach pain. I woke up with the burn gone and the stomach pain still there. I was furious! I had had enough of this crap already. My restored faith in God and His love was terribly shaken and I once again to think to myself those previously stated suicidal lines of thought.
Finally, after way too long, I took an Antivan, the "happy drug" I've mentioned in previous posts and calmed down. While I was in my precious state of mental tranquility I began to think more about God and what he was thinking as he gave me/allowed me to receive both pain and relief here and there. I began to wonder what His plan for me was. As I thought I realized something; this ailment I have had has been the perfect ailment for me. It has not caused me any great, mind-blowing physiological problems that I could never handle and yet it has not been easy enough for me to consider easy to endure. It's almost as thought God has been testing me and my ability to stay calm about things when I'm sick because getting through this required that ability more than anything else. Is this God testing my will, seeing how far I can go before I just snap. Or is it God trying to bring me closer to him by making me realize that my own will the endurance are not enough to get me through life and I need to keep Him close to me during all times of trouble? I can only guess what God is thinking. I am far too humble to say that I have the ability to understand the thoughts and plans of God, the creator and ruler of the universe. All I can do is try to understand God's messages to me if and when they come and try to do what God wants me to do. For now, I'm going to just stay close to God, believe in him, do my best to destroy all doubt in my mind and sincerely thank him for any relief from suffering I get. And when I do plea for God's help I hope He answers my plea with relief because I know now that I am reaching my breaking point. God don't let me break. Please.
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THE LAND OF HAPPY
Have you been to The Land of Happy,
Where everyone’s happy all day.
Where they joke and they sing
Of the happiness things.
And everything’s joy and gay?
There’s no one unhappy in Happy,
There’s laughter and smiles galore.
I have been to the Land of Happy-
What a bore!
Shel Silverstein
Life is a journey.
there are good and bad days.
I believe, that at the end, if you total them all up, you will find that there are more good days then bad ones. I guaranty you that the bad days you are experiencing, will end. In the meantime try to maintain some sence of humor
Nanny and Pawpaw
Mitchell,
I have been trying to figure out and been asking God he would allow you to be sick as well.I know he could fix you in a second and I do not know why he chose this path for you.But,whatever God's plan is, I believe his knees will NEVER buckle under the weight of your questions,cries,anger at him.The true test of a friendship (even a freinship with God)is when it goes through the dark depths and comes out deeper.You are like a lump of coal in the hand of God that is being squeezed and when the time is right God will open his hand and instead of the lump of coal there will be a diamond.You will be a diamond in the very hand of God.
Love,
Aunt Tina
Mitchell --
We're thinking about you -- regularly checking here for your posts to stay connected to what's happening and what you're feeling. Please know how very, very much we love and care about you.
love Barbie, Ted & Caroline.
Mitchell,
I think it's so great that through all this you are able to keep G-d in your thoughts, and pray and question his plan for you. I think it's this these type of thoughts that will simply get you through the pain, even if you don't realize it at the time. It allows you to think about the bigger picture, life after cancer, instead of focusing on the science of it.
I don't want to say that I've gone through anything close to what you're experiencing, but I do have an experience that lets me fathom a fraction of what you must be going through.
The summer before eighth grade, I had major back surgery to treat my scoliosis, leaving me with 2 metal rods in my back and a two foot scar from the base of my neck to my tailbone.
Completley different condition-- I know. But the point I'm trying to make may be similar. The road to recovery was a tough one, and sometimes I had thoughts similar to the ones you are having. I was in so much physical and emotional pain, some days it felt like I couldn't see the other side of the bridge, the pain seemed endless, and for what purpose?
For me, it was a chance to step back from the craziness of life and recognize the importance of everything. I thought things and learned things about myself that I never would have known if I was stuck in the normalcy of my life.
So when you feel like saying, "f*ck cancer! What's the point?" maybe you can think of it as a way to reevaluate life, and to see what's really important.
When this whole thing is behind you, you'll be a completely different person, because of this experience. You'll be able to appreciate the little things in life, such as being able to go for a walk or hang out with friends, talk to your family or simple keep a meal down.
You'll also realize how many people care about you. You have so many people out there rooting for, and I bet this has helped you realize that you're not alone. Friends and Family and the people that care are what are gonna get you through this. You're fighting for them, and you're fighting for yourself.
Anyways, sorry this was so long! I think it's great that you can write about everything on here!! I bet it really helps!!!
Teddy Nykiel =]]]]]
Mitchell
I've been reading your blog and I think that you are a very courageous person. We've known each other for years, and yet we don't really know each other at all. I feel that reading your blog is really helping me to know you better.
I'm so sorry for everything that you're going through right now. But as you know, you have family and friends who are here for you.
We will all continue reading your blog but if there's anything specific that any of us can do to help you and your family, I hope that you will let us know.
You are in my thoughts on a daily basis. Hang in there.
Rebecca Kogan Dein
Mitchell,
I have been reading your blogs and I must say that I am both touched and astounded at your preception and ability to analytically express your emotions and how you handle the fact that you have cancer.I cannot say that I have endured such a setback of that sort ever in my life - nor will I claim that I have - but I can sympathize with many of the things you have said.
My Dad is a cancer survivor as well. When I was young he was diagnosed early and had surgery. Unfortunately due to some error on the doctor's part the area was reinfected. In short he nearly died and I remember how for about a year the only place I could visit him was in a hopsital bed and that my mother was the only one who could take care of me and my sister. A similar situation happened about five years ago as well, where the area was infected due to bad healing of the scars. Needless to say nothing has gotten easier because he is chronically ill and has several very severe ailments that make for a very uncomfortable standard of living, and thus my family and I are often in the precarious situation of taking care of him when they get the better of him.
I too have my fair share of ailments that are not comfortable to live with, but regardless, what you must be going through is unfathomable for me to even begin to grasp, nor can I say that I could mantain the presonal integrity and faith that you have managed to hold on to. I think you should be proud of that accomplishment, because I know first hand not everyone does. I know that you will recover just by seeing what you have written about your experiences. You are a strong, intelligent, and compassionate individual, and all of us from BJBE and SYG are rooting for you!
Ian Delmar
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