I used to have lots of plans. Years ago, when I was in Middle School, I had big plans for myself. I was going to write an epic series of novels with the help of one of my friends. The novels would be so great that they would all be made into movies, like a lot of Stephen King novels have been.
I realize now that it was a naive, childish plan that probably could never happen. Sure enough, it never did happen. Me and my friend forgot about it and it's been forgotten ever since. That's what happens to a lot of plans. I really don't care anymore.
My parents have plans too. First of all, when it came to school it was my mom's plan to have me go when I could and not go when I could not. On the other hand, it was my dad's plan that I didn't go to school at all until my treatments were all done. In the end we went with my mom's plan.
I got really sick of my parents arguing about what to do. I did not have a plan at all and I just wanted them to make a good plan for me that they could agree on. Now my parents are doing better about arguing about their plans for me. They still do it sometimes though.
I don't even know what other plans they might have for me. I don't really care right now either. I am the one in control of my life so their plans, whatever they may be, will only work if I like them.
Currently I have no real plans. I'm still uncertain about everything. I'm starting to wonder if what I said in earlier blogs was overly-optimistic. I mean the Ativan drug I take that used to make me feel good just doesn't do that anymore. It just makes me fatigued and a little sick to my stomach now. Going back to school was no different than it ever was. I'm getting the feeling that once this is over everything will be the same for me again. The only reason I have ever said otherwise is because I took Antivan. That's what was in my system when I wrote most of the other blogs. Now it just makes me sick.
Either way I have no plans for my future now. I'm just going with the flow of school and treatment and whatever my parents say. This isn't over yet though. I suppose something great could still happen before I go completely back to normal. Maybe Ativan not working anymore is God telling me that some drug isn't the answer to all my problems but rather it is something more complicated, something deeper. I'm just worried that all of my thoughts about this cancer saving me from myself are going to end just like my plans in Middle School; in the darkness of lost time.
4 comments:
Dear Mitchell,
It is time for you to re-read your uncle Michael's answer to questions about God. "God never gives us tests that we can't handle." You are low, discouraged and angry with yourself and parents. These feelings will pass if you allow them to. Each new experience you are going through makes some questions harder to deal with but work them out, you must. And I know you will.
I love you and I am here for you whenever you want me.
Nanny
Hi Mitchell,
This last entry reminds me of the song "Hold On" by the band Good Charlotte. The chorus of the song is, "Hold on if you feel like letting go. Hold on it gets better than you know." This later extends to include, "Don't stop looking, you're one step closer. Don't stop searching, it's not over." I don't know if those words will impact you but hopefully, they will. More-so, I hope you chose to live by them.
If you get a chance, maybe you could listen to this song. I'm going to leave it at this. Keeping pushing through, Mitchell.
-Sari
Hey Mitchell,
Reading your blog I could totally sense your frusteration. What I've learned, however is that the road to recovery is never a clear path. There will be good days and bad days, but by making the good days count you will get through this. I believe in you with all my heart.
Not only do I believe that you can win your fight against cancer, but I believe that you will be able to continue living your life differently, even after the drugs are gone.
I know this is easier said than done, but I know you can do it!!
I will continue to believe in you as I keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Teddy
=]]]
ps. I think it's natural for every teenager to feel uncertain about the direction in which their life is going. But who knows? Maybe you CAN still live that dream of being an author. I think you are an incredible author.
Hi Mithchell,
It's your cousin Sarah. I have been reading your blog but never commented before. I just wanted you to know that your writing has totally amazed me with the talent you have for writing and expressing your emotions. Ever since you were REALLY little you always had a great imagination and loved to tell us stories. I think you would write a wonderful novel if you decided to do that. You definitely have a special talent at this that not everyone has.
Love,
Sarah
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