First of all, I read all of your comments to my last entry and I really liked them. In fact, they are all very relevant to my current situation.
As you may know my last major treatment, my last VAC, was just last Friday. Since then I believe I have passed a turning point in this experience. It happened when I was having a conversation with my deeply religious Uncle Michael. Michael is a long-bearded, blat-hat wearing orthodox Jew who teaches Judaism in New York. The point is this guy knows his stuff when it comes to God and religion. Anyhow, when I was talking to him on the phone one day he said something that made something in my head click. He said that God never gives us tests that we can't pass.
This statement from him is very important to me because it makes a lot of sense to me. All of my life I've had many experiences, some good, some bad, but never have I ever experienced anything that I just couldn't take.
So you can see why something in my head went 'click' after he said that. All my life God has tested me but never has he given me a test I couldn't pass. After hearing these words of wisdom from Michael God started to make sense to me. And because God made sense to me I was able to believe in him more strongly, after all, we all have an easier time believing stuff that makes sense to us.
Basically, Uncle Michael rejuvenated my faith in God that day and now I no longer have doubt that God has a plan for me. He does have a plan for me and that plan would have been impossible had I not gotten cancer.
Why? To understand that you must all understand what I was like before this whole thing started for me. Physically, I was obviously fine, but mentally, emotionally and socially I could have been considered as sick then as I am physically now. This is because I have a form of autism called Asperger's syndrome. It is an autism that affects high mental functions. I don't know all about it. I just know that this syndrome is the reason I was how I was. I was quite, reserved, very into my own thoughts and not interested in other people. I was always afraid to reveal my personality to anyone because I had some paranoid delusion that everyone would hate me if they knew who I truly was on the inside. So I kept all of that hidden from people, save some special occasions.
This special occasions I'm referring to are times when I was forced to speak in front of the class at school. At those times the adrenaline in me would be pumping and I guess because of that my personality was able to come out when I spoke. And people liked it. There was no resentment or hatred or anything negative. Just appreciation and occasional laughter at the humor that came out when I spoke. These experiences should have proven to me that I have a great, likable personality inside me that everyone would just love to see. But because of the state of my mind I was simply incapable of learning this and as soon as I was done speaking I would gradually go back to my normal, secluded self.
Because of my social-emotional problems I didn't have high hopes for my future back then. I was sure that my life was going nowhere. I was going to be too afraid to go to college and get a life. I just wouldn't be able to handle myself as a man in the real world. So, in my lower moods, I always figured that I would just kill myself at around the end of high school since I knew there was no way I could possibly live my life beyond that. In my higher moods I was simply apathetic about the future.
I needed a miracle to save me from myself. I got one. The process of treating this cancer is going to save my life in more than one way. Not only will it save me from the cancer itself but the experience of it all is going to save me from myself. After this is over I'll have more faith in God, more faith in myself and I'll have the drugs and therapy to help me overcome my Asperger's. As I mentioned earlier, one of the anti-nausea medications I'm receiving improves me both physically and mentally. It seems to temporarily sweep my Asperger's aside and let me unleash my true personality. This particular drug my not be the one that does the job but I'm sure that something similar to it may help me. My dad is already on the case of finding that similar drug. He's set me up to see a psychiatrist latter to check me out and see what I need. What should be noted about all this is that none of it would have happened had I not gotten cancer and that is why this experience is going to save me from myself.
But back to what I was saying about what Uncle Michael told me(a long way back, I know), what he said made me feel better about this whole thing. But he isn't the only one I have to thank for making this experience better for me. My doctor, Dr. Walterhouse, made Friday's treatment a lot easier for me by giving me a double douse of the drug that improves me physically and mentally. Because of his excellent decision I didn't vomit once while I was at the hospital and actually slept there for quite a while. Finally, I have to give Tom Petty credit for making me feel better. His famous Won't Back Down song was what I listened to on my brother's PSP as the nurses at the hospital injected my with the drugs that would make me sick. That song was a real moral booster for me and since then I have vowed not to quite this treatment and stand my ground. I promise you all that with God, my family, my friends and Tom Petty's song at my side I won't back down but I'll stand my ground until this is over.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
Hi Mitchell!
My name's Alyssa Rooks- I'm not sure if you know me, but I go to BJBE. I just wanted to let you know that I've been reading your blog and I'm thinking about you!
You're a great writer, and it's really interesting to read your blog.
Your courage and positive thinking are really inspiring to me. The fact that you can take a situation like this and use it in such a positive way is amazing.
I've never believed that anything is simply good or simply bad, (I have a great story about it that I'll post on here soon) and I think your particular situation is another great example. Of course, cancer is not a good thing, however you are able to turn your sickness into a source of healing. I hope you continue to stay positive! My prayers are with you ♥.
Sincerely,
Alyssa
Hi Mitchell,
I have been reading your blog since you started it, and I must say that I was inspired by your last entry. What you are going through is truly a challenge--and you are meeting that challenge with a courage and strength that are nothing short of admirable.
I whole-heartedly agree with your uncle--I too believe that God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle. And the fact that you have turned your struggle into something positive is wonderful and, well, awe-inspiring.
I know many people--one who is very close to me--who have the form of autism that you have and they, like you, are wonderful . I read somewhere that Einstein and other great minds may have had Asperger syndrome as well.
Keep fighting and keep moving forward and keep believing. We're all behind you cheering you on.
Naomi Kogan Dein
Hey Mitchell!!
I absolutley love what your uncle said---that G-d doesn't give us a test we can't pass. I've never thought about it like that, but I think it's completely true!!
I was thinking about what you said about not thinking you would be able to make it in the "real world," and although I don't know you that well, just from reading your blog I can say I completely disagree!!
You are a magnificent writer, and I think you could deffinatley consider it as a career, if it's something you enjoy.
Also, maybe you could get a job that has to do with public speaking--it sounds like speaking in front of your classmates gave you a real boost of confidence to be yourself. If you were speaking in front of people on a regular basis, my that boost of confidence wouldn't wear off.
Anyway, you may not like any of these ideas, but the point is that I think you have gifts that could take you far. You are not at all ill-equipped for the real world!!
Keep hanging in there!
-Teddy
=]]
Hey Mitchell.
My name is Lanie Schlessinger. You probably don't remember me, but we were machoniks together in your mom's Sunday school class a couple of years ago.
I just read all of your blog posts. You're an incredible writer. I just want to note that I think it's incredibly awesome that you can still see such positivity and seek inspiration in such a stinky situation. It's really cool, and it makes me think a lot about what I probably take for granted sometimes and the things that I ought to pay more attention to in life.
I lost an aunt and a grandma to cancer. My aunt battled it for a long time, but in the end she just couldn't get through it. My Grandma waited to go to the doctor because she had an unbeatable fear of doctors. When we began to smell and see changes in her, we forced her into an ambulance. By the time they had diagnosed her, it was too late to treat her well enough to save her. Anyways, I loved them both very much and visited them plenty. Upon these visits, I began to see the horrible disease of cancer as sort of the ultimate villain in life. If there was one thing I really had true hatred for, it was cancer. I would watch them coming from Chemo and my heart would ache for them, just praying that there was something, anything in the world for me to do to relieve their pain.
The closest I've come to this pain is an incessant nauseating pain in the center of my heels that has persisted since the sixth grade, despite multiple treatments. Even though this is no where close to what you are going through, between that pain in the butt and my experience with my two relatives, I can semi-understand how hard it is to go through what you do every day.
I guess that my point is, I can't even begin to describe how much I admire you. There's no way I could possibly grasp the concept of pain that you have come to know. Let's say I can probably understand half of it. And even just knowing that half of it, it seems unreal to me that you are able to find such positivity and such hope in such a mess of pain. You are an insanely incredible person, Mitchell. Really.
Keep pushing through this. I know you're going to make it all the way through. I'll keep up with the blog for sure and think of you often.
<3 Lanie Schlessinger
p.s. This might end up saying at the top "Cindy said..." That's because I used my mom's account.
p.p.s. Please feel free to e-mail me ANYTIME. My address is lanz5393@yahoo.com. If you need something, or just someone to talk to, I check my email often, so don't hesitate to send me one if you want to!
Hey there, Mitchell-
Although I have, unfortunately, not yet had the pleasure of meeting you, I'm with the youth group and have been reading along. I must say, I am genuinely impressed by you in multiple ways and reading your blog has put my thoughts in an entirely new perspective. For that, I must say, "thank you very, very much".
All of your entries have been very well written but this last one really kept me thinking. Frankly, it left me baffled. I can't begin to imagine what it is like to be dealing with what you're going through and your positive outlook is truly inspiring. As many of us know, sometimes words of wisdom can become "broken record"-esque and eventually they stop sinking in. The way you've taken to heart, used, and made what your uncle told you relevant to your life is highly mature. I don't think that most people would make as much of an effort to find the truth in words of inspiration the way you have. I'm glad that your family has been able to help you out in such an important way.
This past year, I heard a speaker say that when someone has gone through a traumatic experience it's practically disrespectful to try to tell them that you know just how that person feels. I don't know what your take on this is, but that does sound fairly logical to me. So, once again, I can't even conjure up an idea of how your past few months have been. I also can't think of any experience in my life that is remotely comparable to yours. As far as I can remember, getting to that "million dollar smile" is the only time where I had to deal with persistent pain. The best relation to the current situation I can offer you is having lost people to cancer and other tragic situations (sorry to be the non-story telling commenter.)
As a closing thought for you (sorry, I know that was a lot to read but this is the end of it!), I'd just like to go back to your positive outlook. It's marvelous to hear (or, in this case, read) that you now know you can pass this test. It's cheesy sounding but a positive attitude really makes all the difference. With this "new found" positivity (if that's a word...?), you will be able to push through this. And please don't ever forget, we are all here to support you through the end of this difficult (but "passable"!) test.
I can't wait to read your next update to find out how you're doing. Best of luck and all of our best wishes to you. As tough as this is, keep sticking it out. You can absolutely make it through.
-Sari
Hi Mitchel,
I am back from Israel. When I went to the Wall I said a prayer for your health. You have such courage and insight and a great holy light burning inside. May God continue to give you the courage and strength that you need.
Rabbi Kedar
Hi Mitchell
I have always known that tender soul resided in you! I have watched you grow for many years and have had many a glimpse into your "specialness". Your writing is so very eloquent...and I can hear your voice in the words.
I too, have faith that God will guide you thru this wilderness, this "test", and bring you thru to a clear path! You have incredible strength.
May God carry you firmly in loving arms and bring you back to health.
Love,
Rhonda
Post a Comment